“Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales” (PG-13)
The ship has definitely sailed on Johnny Depp’s “Pirates of the Caribbean” franchise with “Dead Men Tell No Tales,” the fifth and hopefully last film in series. There’s no question that the first two films in the series — “The Curse of the Black Pearl” and “Dead Man’s Chest” were entertaining, but Depp’s schtick as the drunken, bumbling Capt. Jack Sparrow became old hat after that.
Basically “Dead Men Tell No Tales” feels like all the films that proceed it, a mishmash of high seas action and slapstick comedy of Depp’s Capt. Jack, who you just know will weasel his way out of any situation he encounters no matter how perilous it is. There’s no question the special effects are spectacular — especially with the crafting of the ghostly nemesis, Capt. Salazar (the always great Javier Bardem), who seeks revenge on Capt. Jack, but the story is dull and predictable, and like the previous films, feels overlong.
While the story brings to a conclusion a subplot from a couple of films ago, there’s nothing really new to talk about here, with the exception of a wonderfully inventive scene involving Capt. Jack’s head and neck on a guillotine.
Lammometer: 4.5 (out of 10)
Hear Tim’s review of “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales” and “Baywatch” with Tom Barnard on KQRS.
After a string of hits including “Moana” and “The Fate of the Furious” star Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson sinks big-time with “Baywatch,” a hapless remake of David Hasselhoff’s syndicated TV smash from the 1990s.
The plot is paper-thin: Johnson leads a group of lifeguards who are trying to keep a drug-dealing villain from taking over the beautiful coastline they protect, even though none have any real law enforcement experience. Johnson assumes Hasselhoff’s role of Mitch Buchanon, who along with fellow lifeguards C.J. Parker (Kelly Rohrback) and Stephanie Holden (Ilfenesh Hadera) take on three new recruits for the summer, including Matt Brody (a very ripped Zac Efron), a Ryan Lochte-like lunkhead whose fallen out of favor with the Olympics because of his wild ways.
Baywatch is a failure on all fronts. The acting is terrible, the dialogue is uninspired (how many times can Johnson rib Efron about looking like a member of a boy band? Apparently not enough), and unlike the big-screen remake of the very self-aware 21 Jump Street, the cast mostly plays it straight like Hasselhoff, Pamela Anderson and company did in the TV series.
In fact, the only time the film is funny is when Hasselhoff appears as himself in moments of self-parody, like he’s the only person in the entire movie that gets the joke that its OK to poke fun at yourself. The problem is, the actor’s two scenes are about a minute apiece. The rest of the movie is an embarrassment.
Lammometer: 2.5 (out of 10)
Watch Tim’s review of “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales” and “Baywatch” with Adrienne Broadus on KARE 11.