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Movie reviews: ‘Fifty Shades of Grey,’ ‘Kingsman: The Secret Service’

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Fifty Shades of Grey

“Fifty Shades of Grey” (R) 1 1/2 stars (out of four)

For those skeptical of the hype surrounding the film version of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” you may be disappointed to find out that it isn’t laughably bad. That’s not to say it isn’t bad – it very much is – but just bad in a boring, overwrought soap opera-eqsue  sort of way.

There are some laughs, to be sure – some intentional, some not – and without them, “Grey”  would have been completely without color. Inspired by “Twilight” fan fiction, “Fifty Shades of Grey” – based on the first book in author E.L. James’ international best-selling erotic trilogy – fares far better than the promising-but-eventually-dreadful vampire novel-turned-movie series, especially in the lead actress category and the perpetually mopey Kristen Stewart.

For the uninitiated, “Fifty Shades of Grey” follows the “unusual behavior” (as the MPAA describes in its ratings block) of Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan), a steely billionaire businessman who takes a curious interest in Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson), an English literature student who fills in for her sick roommate to do an interview with Grey.

Challenging the control freak Grey’s answers, Anastasia suddenly becomes the intense focus of the 28-year-old magnate, and a bizarre courtship begins. Even though Christian is reserved, devoid of emotion and proclaims he “doesn’t do romance,” Anastasia becomes mesmerized with him, only to learn that he wants her to become a “submissive” to his “dominant” in his secret, lurid practice of BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism), which he acts out in his swanky apartment’s “playroom.” Intensely pursuing Anastasia, Christian – who is clearly damaged goods from previous BDSM and childhood traumas – imposes a literal contract on the woman, which, if she signs, will effectively bind her to fulfill his every desire at any time, no questions asked.

“Fifty Shades of Grey” had the odds stacked against it going in, considering that director Sam Taylor-Johnson was given the daunting task of delivering an R-rated interpretation of a novel deemed by many to be pornographic.  Instead, Taylor-Johnson reportedly tried to make “Fifty Shades” a love story; a baffling interpretation in that it involves sickening behavior that includes beatings (albeit consensual) with a belt, among other bizarre, sexually-infused, control-driven practices.

It’s that behavior during the movie’s 20 minutes of combined sex scenes that’s clearly the most disturbing thing to come out of “Fifty Shades.” Thankfully, there’s at least one laughable moment in one of the “playroom” scenes, where Christian strokes Anastasia with a peacock feather before lashing her (in a ridiculous slow-motion sequence) with what appears to be a softer version of a cat o’ nine tails.

Of course, it becomes clear that Anastasia’s quest is to cure Christian of his deviance and heal his pain, which apparently will play out as the film saga progresses. Right now, though, as a standalone film, Christian essentially comes off as a sexual predator who won’t stop stalking the innocent Anastasia until he gets exactly what he wants.

As for the film’s sex scenes, while there’s a fair amount of skin shown, there’s no full-frontal nudity involved. In addition, there’s really no intensity there, and quite frankly, the scenes are quite boring.

The big surprise of “Fifty Shades of Grey” is that Dakota Johnson – daughter of acting stalwarts Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith – is actually pretty good as Anastasia. She certainly wasn’t the first choice of readers to play the virginal, dowdy character (Alexis Bledel topped a lot of fan polls), but Johnson clearly captures the innocence and vulnerability required of the character, although her reactions to experiencing sensuality are a bit overdone.

The person likely to emerge most damaged by “Fifty Shades of Grey” is Dornan. While he has killer looks, he just doesn’t have the sort of charisma to command the audience’s attention. True, Christian is not supposed to be the most emotional person in the world, but as performed by Dornan, the character is pretty much robotic. Fans who hoped for the casting of Matt Bomer in the title role will leave the theater lamenting “what might have been,” had the “White Collar” and “Magic Mike” actor been cast in the role.

Not surprisingly, “Fifty Shades of Grey” abruptly ends with a cliffhanger, hoping to create some sort of feeling of anticipation for the first sequel “Fifty Shades Darker,” which reportedly has already been given the greenlight. Instead, it left this writer, anyway, with a confused feeling of, “What is the fuss all about”? Despite that, the movie did keep me questioning what could possibly lead a person down such a sick path, and what could lead another person to almost blindly follow them. With any luck, those questions will be answered in installments two and three. For the time being, my understanding of what “Fifty Shades” is about is just as grey as ever.

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“Kingsman: The Secret Service” (R) 3 1/2 stars (out of four)

“Kick-Ass” director Matthew Vaughn kicks ass again, this time with “Kingsman: The Secret Service” – a dizzying action comedy homage to James Bond and other British super-spy stalwarts like “The Avengers” with a comic movie book twist.

Based on Dave Gibbons’ and Mark Millar’s “The Secret Service” graphic novel series, “Kingsman” stars the always great Colin Firth as Harry Hart, a veteran agent watching his underground British spy organization dwindle in numbers. After the death of one of his closest colleagues, Harry recruits Eggsy (an impressive Taron Egerton) – the streetwise son of a late spy who saved his life during a spy mission 17 years earlier – to compete for a spot within the Kingsman despite being a social misfit amongst a group of privileged recruits.

Harry his boss, Arthur (Michael Caine), and ace Kingsman trainer Merlin (Mark Strong) must act fast, though, because Valentine (Samuel L. Jackson), a megalomaniacal American billionaire tech genius, is concocting a shrewd marketing ploy to weed out the world’s population via an invention that involves millions of his unsuspecting customers.

While its first mission is to entertain with over-the-top action, “Kingsman” is also smart and daring – as co-writers Vaughn and Jane Goldman take satirical aim at the far left and the far right extremes of American society, and sparing no one in the name of political correctness. One target, who won’t be revealed here, is particularly shocking – and while the person isn’t identified by name, you’ll know exactly who he is when you see him.

Blazing through its two-hour and nine-minute run time, “Kingsman” has all cultural sophistication and gadgets and weaponry associated with the Bond films, combined with the hyper-kinetic action and comedy that punctuated the insanely entertaining “Kick-Ass.” Vaughn clearly has an eye for casting great actors, too (the winning cast includes an amusing turn by Mark Hamill); and like he did with “X-Men: First Class,” the filmmaker strikes a perfect balance between the narrative, the movie’s dazzling fight choreography and wondrous visual effects. Get locked and loaded for one of the craziest spy movies you’ll ever see: “Kingsman” is a real blast.

Tim Lammers is a veteran entertainment reporter and a member of the Broadcast Film Critics Association, and annually votes on the Critics Choice Movie Awards. Locally, he reviews films for “KARE 11 News at 11” and various Minnesota radio stations.

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Movie reviews: ‘Jupiter Ascending,’ ‘Sponge Out of Water,’ ‘Seventh Son’

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Mila Kunis in 'Jupiter Rising'

“Jupiter Ascending” (PG-13) 1 1/2 stars (out of four)

The Wachowski siblings are shooting for the stars, quite literally, with the new sci-fi epic “Jupiter Ascending,” but 15 years after the glory of the first film in their “Matrix” trilogy, the writer-director siblings have misfired again in their bid to capture the imaginations of moviegoers.

“Jupiter Ascending,” which comes out about six months after its initial scheduled release date of July 2014, was supposed to, in that time, complete the film’s complex special effects sequences, and that seems plausible because the visuals are no doubt spectacular. Unofficially, you have to believe the Wachoswkis were asked to fix their convoluted narrative, and to that end, it’s clear they didn’t budge.

Channing Tatum dons Spock ears to play Caine, a genetically engineered space warrior who travels to Earth to save Jupiter (Mila Kunis), the daughter of a Russian immigrant who makes a humble living as a housekeeper in Chicago. Turns out Jupiter is the reincarnation of the late matriarch of a royal space family that’s been around thousands of years, and she’s desperately needed to stop a power struggle between three of her intergalactic children, Balem (Eddie Redmayne), Kalique (Tuppence Middleton) and Titus (Douglas Booth). At stake is Earth, one of the many planets owned by the royals, and the time is coming soon where the inhabitants of the planet will be harvested for their needs.

Interview: Sean Bean talks Wachowskis, ‘Jupiter Ascending’

An overly ambitious space opera hoping to create a new mythology for moviegoers desperate for originality, “Jupiter Ascending” might have had a better chance at success had it been a miniseries that took the time for some world building to tell us who is who and what their motivations are. Instead, the Wachowskis jam as much as they can into the film’s 127-minute run-time (on top of the royal brats, there are various races and creatures that inhabit the galaxy), giving the moviegoer little chance to process just what the heck is going on.

Perhaps the biggest mistake of “Jupiter Ascending” comes with casting of Kunis in the title role. Completely void of any emotion, Kunis – who looks stunning in the film – is simply a bore. That’s not to say she can’t act – she’s great in romantic comedies – but in the sci-fi genre, she’s clearly unequipped, even though there’s a romance brewing between Jupiter and Caine. Tatum doesn’t fare much better as Caine (I’m still trying to figure out why studios are fascinated with him), and the Wachowskis would have been better served with a more seasoned actor.

Thankfully, Sean Bean brings his veteran charisma as Stinger, a former enforcement partner of Caine’s, but he only appears in a supporting role. “Theory of Everything” Oscar nominee Redmayne is given the villain role as the most tyrannical  of the three royals, but his bizarre, whispery delivery ultimately borders on high camp. The movie’s a tremendous disappointment.

“The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water” (PG) 2 stars (out of four)

Call it a bait-and-switch at Bikini Bottom: The real title of the second “SpongeBob Movie” should be, “Sponge Out of Water for About 15 Minutes.”

The loveable, absorbent Nickelodeon cartoon character is back for his second big-screen go-round, and while charming, “Sponge Out of Water” mostly feels like an extended TV episode. The plot is paper-thin: Chumbucket proprietor and SpongeBob (voice of Tom Kenny) rival Plankton (Mr. Lawrence) devises a plan to steal the secret recipe of the tasty burger, the Krabby Patty, from Krusty’s Krabs, until the document containing all the ingredients vanishes without a trace.

After SpongeBob and Plankton form an unlikely alliance to search for the recipe through the use of a time-travel machine, the pair, along with Patrick (Bill Fagerbakke), Mr. Krabs (Clancy Brown), Sandy Cheeks (Carolyn Lawrence) and Squidward (Rodger Bumpass) emerge from the sea to discover where the recipe ended up.

There’s nothing really remarkable about the film, apart from a funny, live-action appearance throughout by Antonio Banderas as the scheming pirate Burger Beard; and SpongeBob and company appearing on in computer-generated form on land. The problem is, the CGI versions of the characters don’t appear until an hour into the 90-minute film, where you realize that the whole hubbub about the yellow and porous character being “out of water” is pretty much a scam. The CGI land scenes are easily the best in the movie, and you can’t help but feel short-changed because there isn’t a whole lot more of it.

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“Seventh Son” (PG-13) 2 1/2 stars (out of four)

Finally emerging as a release from Universal Pictures after lingering at Warner Bros. for some time, “Seventh Son” clearly won’t win any awards, even though it stars an Oscar winner and odd-on favorite at this year’s Academy Awards. And while the premise is hardly original, the medieval fantasy is a winner in the genre because it doesn’t take itself too seriously.

Jeff Bridges stars in “Seventh Son” as Master Gregory, the last of 1,000 Spooks, a group of skilled warriors tasked with containing witches and all other forms of evil. But no Spook can do their job alone, so they have an apprentice accompany them in their quest to keep humans safe. After Gregory’s latest apprentice (Kit Harrington) meets his untimely fate, Tom Ward (Ben Barnes), the so-called “Seventh Son of the Seventh Son,” is recruited by the aging do-gooder to help battle the all-powerful Mother Malkin (Julianne Moore), who is close to casting the world under a cloud of doom. Turns out young Ward has a history that may hold the key to defeating Malkin and her ilk.

Anytime a film lingers on the shelf as long as “Seventh Son” does, it usually spells disaster. But truth be told, for what it is, “Seventh Son” works. Sure, it feels like “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters” and “Snow White and the Huntsman,” and even at times seems to possess the charm of a Ray Harryhausen’s classic flick minus the stop-motion special effects. Instead, the computer-generated effects here are fairly impressive, as Malkin, her witch sister (Antje Traue – Zod’s right hand woman in “Man of Steel”) and other supernatural beings (Djimon Honsou among them) shape-shift into dragons to wreak havoc on the villagers around them.

While Barnes and Alicia Vikander (who plays a young, half-witch who strikes Tom’s fancy) play it straight, the acting by Bridges (doing his best Gandalf impersonation) and Moore (who looks stunning) in “Seventh Son” is over-the-top, but clearly was meant to be that way and is fun as a result. Most critics will no doubt hate “Seventh Son,” but audiences will embrace the movie for its good, old fashioned fantasy movie feel.

Tim Lammers is a veteran entertainment reporter and a member of the Broadcast Film Critics Association, and annually votes on the Critics Choice Movie Awards. Locally, he reviews films for “KARE 11 News at 11” and various Minnesota radio stations.

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Movie reviews: ‘Project Almanac,’ ‘Black Sea,’ ‘Black or White’

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Project Almanac

“Project Almanac” (PG-13) 2 1/2 stars (out of four)

Get ready to be all shook up by producer Michael Bay’s manic movie “Project Almanac,” the latest offering from MTV Films that puts the shaky in shaky cam. A first-person camera movie (a la “Cloverfield” and “Chronicle”) that’s clearly aimed at the teen demographic, “Project Almanac” would be nearly intolerable if not for its ever-fascinating  narrative about traveling back in time, and the potential repercussions those travels have on the future. In a weird way, “Project Almanac” is like “Back to the Future” with an MTV generation twist.

Jonny Weston stars as David Raskin, a brainiac Atlanta high school senior on a course to attend MIT, only if he can come up with the money to attend the prestigious institution. Looking for ideas for a scholarship presentation while rummaging through the family attic, David discovers a video from his 7th birthday party where an image of his current-day self appears in a mirror.

Investigating the bizarre occurrence, David discovers his dad worked for a secret government program and was developing a machine to make time travel possible. Together with his science nerd friends (Sam Lerner and Allen Evangelista), his sister (Amy Landecker) and the girl of his dreams (Sofia Black-D’Elia), David figures out how to make the “second chance machine” work, which enables the group to travel back in time.

But as the group discovers, the more they jump back and forth in time, the more their actions alter future events, sometimes with deadly results. Worse yet, any attempts to fix what they’ve done by going back in time again only creates other problems.

Naturally, “Project Almanac” is predictable insofar as we know that messing with history is bound to backfire on the teens. The great thing is, we have no idea how. While the narrative as a whole is a stretch, “Project Almanac” is entertaining as long as you sit back and enjoy the and ride and don’t let the movie’s inconsistencies drive you crazy.

Even though the film features a cast of unknowns and perpetually nauseous camera movements, the always spellbinding concept of time travel and rewriting history makes “Project Almanac” a worthwhile trip. The whole idea of documenting the events of the film on a smart phone video feels fitting for today’s tech-savvy generation, and the mind-bending concept is enough to hold everybody else’s attention.

While the presentation of “Project Almanac” is less than desirable, there are far worse ways to spend a couple of hours.

Reviewed in brief:

“Black Sea” (R) 3 stars (out of four)

Jude Law gives a commanding performance in “Black Sea,” a dark and gritty submarine thriller that will undoubtedly test the limits of claustrophobic moviegoers. Law stars as Robinson, a hard-nosed Scottish sub captain unceremoniously discarded by his employer after 11 dedicated years on the job. Before too long, though, Robinson is approached by a shady financier to command a bucket of bolts to the dangerous depths of the Black Sea, where rumored to be buried on a ridge is a Nazi U-boat that contains $20 million in gold.

With everyone promised an equal cut of the profit, the submarine soon turns into an underwater deathtrap as crewmembers contemplate killing one another to effectively get a bigger slice of the loot. But as vessel becomes damaged and the shocking plan behind the mission is revealed, the crewmembers have to find a way to put aside their differences if there’s any chance for survival.

Expertly directed by Kevin Macdonald, the great thing about “Black Sea” is that it’s every bit about its deeply flawed characters as it is the intense action scenes that propel the story ahead to its final destination. And while the scenarios get more ridiculous as the film enters its final act — the ending presents the most implausible scenario — “Black Sea,” despite its faults, is a pretty exciting ride.

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“Black or White” (PG-13) 3 stars (out of four)

Kevin Costner stars in and produces “Black or White,” a gutsy family drama that examines race relations in the U.S. through a custody battle for a mixed-race child between her white maternal grandfather (Costner) and black paternal grandmother (Octavia Spencer).

Costner plays Elliot, a successful Los Angeles attorney who, along with his wife (Jennifer Ehle) raised Eloise (Jillian Estelle), after their daughter died in childbirth. But after his wife’s sudden death, Elliot becomes despondent and his drinking problem worsens, so Eloise’s grandmother, Rowena (Spencer) seeks shared custody. The case becomes more intense when the Eloise’s recovering drug addict father (Andre Holland) resurfaces and claims he can now parent her full-time, even though he avoided the responsibility the girl’s entire life.

Interview: Kevin Costner talks “Black or White”

Writer-director Mike Binder unflinchingly dives into a touchy area with “Black or White” as the subject of race enters the court battle, as both sides debate which culture, effectively, would be best for Eloise to be raised in. What follows is a brutally honest discussion of race from both sides of the case, which manages to be effective without being politically correct or preachy.

For as powerful as the subject matter is, “Black or White” is hampered, oddly enough, by the film’s score, which sometimes makes it feel like a Lifetime movie. That’s too bad, because everybody in the film — from Costner and Spencer to Anthony Mackie as Rowena’s brother attorney and comedian Bill Burr in an effective, serious turn as Elliot’s law associate — bring their A-game. Whether you catch “Black or White” in theaters or eventually on the tube, it’s a film that everybody should make a point seeing.

Tim Lammers is a veteran entertainment reporter and a member of the Broadcast Film Critics Association, and annually votes on the Critics Choice Movie Awards. Locally, he reviews films for “KARE 11 News at 11” and various Minnesota radio stations.

Film, Movie Reviews

Movie reviews: ‘Mortdecai,’ ‘Still Alice,’ ‘Cake’

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Johnny Depp in 'Mortdecai'

“Mortdecai” (PG-13) 1 star (out of four)

Unless you have a high tolerance for forced comedy, “Mortdecai,” sadly, will leave you mortified.

Starring the usually great Johnny Depp in the title role, “Mortdecai” is the latest misstep in a very disastrous couple of years on the big-screen for Depp, starting with the box-office train wreck “The Lone Ranger.” Worse yet, “Transcendence” was savaged by critics last fall even though it’s not nearly as bad as everybody says it is, and the notices he earned for his brief appearance in the holiday-time musical “Into the Woods” mostly included the word “creepy.”

A crime caper that follows Charlie Mortdecai (Depp), a debonair yet shady international art dealer on the trail of a valuable Goya painting that purportedly contains the code to hidden Nazi loot, “Mortdecai” no doubt is stocked with the right talent to make the film work, but the execution of the material is dreadful.  Clearly the film aspires to be a “Pink Panther”-like comedy, but unlike those Blake Edwards-directed Peter Sellers classics, “Mortdecai” isn’t the least bit funny.

Trapped squarely in the middle of this mess is Depp.  Trying his best with a boisterous “chap-chap cheerio” accent and exaggerated physical mannerisms, Depp, unfortunately, rarely musters enough humor to bring smiles to his audience, let alone laughter, and director David Koepp’s stand-by slapstick humor merely elicits groans instead of guffaws.

As much as his attempts at humor hit the wall, Depp — who is still one of my favorite actors — should be given credit for putting on a brave face throughout the film. On the other hand, Gwyneth Paltrow, who stars as Mortdecai’s wife, is barely tolerable with her half-hearted British accent, and an over-played gag about her husband’s handlebar mustache is run into the ground throughout the film.

For what it’s worth, “Mortdecai” does have a few bright spots: Paul Bettany is admirable as Mortdecai’s oafish bodyguard, while Ewan McGregor is likable as a lovelorn British MI-5 agent whose been crushing for years on Mortdecai’s wife. Olivia Munn – who is billed as one of the leads (it’s mystifying all the roles this one-note actress is landing), instead surfaces in a small supporting role that’s about as wooden a performance as it gets.

Despite a disappointing turnout this time, Depp will no doubt be back — and his turn as crime boss Whitey Bulger at the end of 2015 can’t come soon enough.

Reviewed in brief

“Still Alice” (PG-13) 3 1/2 stars (out of four)

Best Actress Oscar nominee Julianne Moore delivers a career performance in the title role in “Still Alice,” an emotionally charged, heartbreaking family drama about a linguistics professor diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s at age 50.

While “Still Alice” covers all stages of the disease from Alice’s point-of-view, it also is powerful in the way it shows the effects Alzheimer’s has on her family — from her husband (a terrific Alec Baldwin) and his desperation to get his wife the best treatment possible; to their three children (Kate Bosworth, Hunter Parish and Kristen Stewart), who all may possibly inherit the degenerative disease at some point in their lives.

While the outcome is inevitable, “Still Alice” is still very much a life-affirming film in the way it raises awareness of the disease, and the reminder it brings to live our very unpredictable lives to the fullest.

“Cake” (R) 2 stars (out of four)

Jennifer Aniston’s career takes a dramatic turn in “Cake,” an oddly-titled, offbeat drama that’s only on the radar because of awards notices for Aniston’s makeup-less role.

Aniston stars as Claire Bennett, a dowdy divorcee whose chronic pain and mental and physical scars from a tragic accident has left her bedridden and bitter. She has a low tolerance for people and those who come into contact with her have little tolerance for her, until she befriends Roy Collins (Sam Worthington), the widow of Nina (Anna Kendrick), a fellow chronic pain sufferer who committed suicide.

“Cake” is interesting at first in the way it keeps at arm’s length the source of Claire’s sorrow, but as the plot begins to unfold, the more predictable the story gets. The tone is also strange for a film that tackles such a tragic theme, especially when the ghost of Kendrick’s character shows up time and again to talk with Claire.

 While Aniston should be lauded for exploring a dramatic role after so many so-so comedies, her turn in “Cake” is still one of the most over-rated performances of the year. For those crying out “snub” for Aniston after she missed out on the Oscar nomination last week, be happy she was as fortunate to earn a Screen Actors Guild nod for the role. She’s good in the film, but not great. At best, it’s a solid first step into more serious territory should she continue to travel in that direction.

Tim Lammers is a veteran entertainment reporter and a member of the Broadcast Film Critics Association, and annually votes on the Critics Choice Movie Awards. Locally, he reviews films for “KARE 11 News at 11” and various Minnesota radio stations.

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